The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
