Define "chronic" masturbator.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
