I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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