This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
