I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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