People in love make me want to vomit
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize