she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
