Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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