Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you traded sex for a burrito?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Randomize
