Dude my mom stole all your condoms
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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