I'm jealous of your bromance
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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