that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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