My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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