we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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