well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
