I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You're like the curious george of whores
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
