Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
