The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
