I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
