Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize