ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
