if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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