I am in a vortex of obligation.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
