69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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