I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
