The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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