Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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