Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
