Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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