Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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