I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize