TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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