Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
