I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
two words: eviction party
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
