My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize