he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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