Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We talked him into tasing himself.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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