I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You are a genius and a whore.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
