If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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