I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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