My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
