so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
