I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
