There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
