dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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