My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
