Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
