Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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