Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
