No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
