my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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