Jerry, you need to find god
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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