I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
